Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
