Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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