She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
there is glitter all over my balls
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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