I cannot find my penis.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
