but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
