You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
