no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
