If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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