so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
