I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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