Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
