I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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