My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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