I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
i think i just lost a toe
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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