FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
