my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
