its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
