He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
