do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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