I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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