cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
