You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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