I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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