Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
