my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
