My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
