accomplished twins. life is a go
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
