There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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