Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
