Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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