In the future we'll all be gay
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
