Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
