Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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