you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
