the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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