i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
NoShamevember. You game?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
