Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
