Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize