I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
