im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
