everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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