Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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