Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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