so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
