What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
