I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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