i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
