I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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