I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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