We named our party play list daddy issues
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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