Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
