listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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