My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
