Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
