Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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