My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
